Tired...

I'm tired. Tired of men not being who I think they are. Tired of putting myself out there and getting hurt. Tired of feeling like its my fault when things don't turn out the way I want them to. Tired of feeling like giving up. And I really miss my brother telling me I'm beautiful.

Oh the internet...

So that crazy "ex" is at it again. He's been so nice on the phone and in email. No pressure for more time spent putting effort into our long distance relationship. Its been great. Sure, he invited himself up to see me this coming weekend, but I was ok with that. Sure, he says he loves me and can't wait to live in the same city soon, blah blah blah, but I'm going along with it for now. I have decided to get back on Myspace to keep in touch with my friends. My profile is set to private and I didn't put in my full name so searching for me is difficult. I just want the account to keep track of old friends. Seriously. He was always SO against it! "It would be embarrassing if anyone you worked with knew you were on Myspace." "How many times have you checked your Myspace account today?" "How many men sent you inappropriate messages today?" It went on and on until I finally deleted my account so I didn't have to hear it from him anymore. So imagine my surprise when I searched for his name on Myspace and not only found an account for him, but saw his smiling face posted there along with a brief summary saying something along the lines of "I just got divorced and I'm looking to start dating again." Huh. Interesing.

Something in me wondered how much further this went. I just had a feeling I would find him on match.com or some other dating site. I couldn't resist so I went to match.com and searched for men in his area around his age. Stupid match makes you have an acct to view anything so I made up a quick acct with false info and my search results came up on the page. There he was. Smiling back at me. "Last visit: today." This page was even more interesting. Not only did he mention the divorce, but he also mentioned his last girlfriend that just wasn't ready for the kind of commitment he was looking for. He also described his daughter as being 20 months old...she turned 2 in August. That of course makes me wonder if this site has been up for 5 months. ?!?

I didn't know what to do. Should I call him on it? Wait for an opportune time to throw it in his face? Nah, I emailed him. Told him that a friend had sent me interesting links to Myspace and Match.com and that I didn't realize he was single and back on the market, but that it is for the best and good luck with his search.

I also really wanted to tell him to change his photo because he looks like a creepy serial killer...

Update: So Crazy Ex got my email and called me immediately. (Ok, he called me, left a voicemail, emailed me, called 6 more times at work, 12 times on my cell, sent 5 emails to my yahoo account and 5 emails to my work account all in the time it took me to go get a coffee...) He was shocked that I would think anything into the profiles. His explanation for the Match.com thing was that he did it back in July when he was really pissed at me and supposedly cancelled his account. He still has access because he bought a 90-day thing. ? Whatever. He tried to turn it around on me and how could I possibly think he was looking to date someone else and how hurt he is and he feels "sick to his stomach" blah blah, whine whine. So attractive.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that he had posted a photo of he and I on his Myspace page that I had sent him last week. So...obviously he's been on it and knew that he mentions his desire to meet a woman to date.

Everybody should have a psycho in their life at some point. It makes for good stories.

He's Crazy...

Once upon a time, my life was normal. I was a single, happy girl. Sure, I bitched to friends about not having a boyfriend, but I was independent and I liked it. In the past year, I've gone from head-over-heels in love to miserable and broken. Some of the crazy shit recently:

-my cell phone thrown out of the window of my car on the highway
-being called a whore by someone who "loves" me
-being told he had to go to the hospital for his heart and then got into a car accident on the morphine...with no record of his visit at any hospital in the state.

I'm Angry and I Want Someone to Know It!

How dare President Bush continue to screw with the lives of the American people? How dare he make decisions that affect us without listening to our majority??

Randy* was in the Army for 6 years. He spent 11 months in Afghanistan. He came home with medals honoring his bravery and he brought all of his men home safely. He decided to get out of the Army at the end of his time. That was Sept 2005. This weekend he leaves for South Carolina for two weeks of training and then he's being deployed to Iraq. This man retired from the Army. He put his time in. He made everyone that knows him proud. How dare he have to leave his life again, this time not by his choice? How dare his mother have to go through another year of the unknown?

Do you know what its like to have someone you care about fighting a war? Let me tell you a little about it. You think about them constantly. You always have butterflies in your stomach from worrying. You watch the news incessantly always fearing the worst. When you finally fall asleep at night, you have nightmares about what could be happening to him. When you receive an email, a phone call or a letter you feel like the luckiest person in the World that he's still thinking about you. When they come home, they are different. Not necessarily bad different, just "I've seen a lot of shit I can't talk about" different. Sometimes, they don't come home and they leave a 22 year old girl as a widow.

Damn it, I'm angry! Why doesn't anyone in "power" give a shit? Let's see President Bush's daughters have to go fight the war and see how quickly it would end then!

*Name changed to protect privacy